School camps and iffy decisions
As I begin writing this (which is not the same day as I will finish it, and definitely not the same as when it will be published) B is on her first overnight school trip. They camped at the zoo and did the night safari, and she was so excited about it. I’m nervous; it’s the first time she’s done something like this and she needs to wrangle her own bag and yoga mat, etc, so I don’t know how she’ll manage. Also, she’ll be knackered. A friend’s daughter at another school did the trip a few weeks ago and was so tired afterwards she asked to have a nap, and ours have to get through the rest of the school day as well. So I’m expecting a smelly, grizzly, fragile mess to get off the bus this afternoon.
She’s really growing up isn’t she? On the one hand it’s nice to have a break from the school routine and Dave and I went to see Deadpool (with my phone on vibrate just in case), but on the other, I’m dying to know how they’re going. No one’s heard anything, so they must be okay… right?
We also finally had B’s birthday party the other weekend, only a month and a half late. She invited 10 friends for a pool party and we hung decorations and ordered pizza. It went pretty well, although it started drizzling when the pizzas came so they huddled under umbrellas to eat. A couple of parents had hung around and we agreed the kids were happy and already wet, so might as well leave them. We did the cake under shelter at the clubhouse. By the end it was raining steadily, the kids were soaked and so were their towels and clothes and parents and the boxes the party bags were stored in, but everyone had fun and when they’d all left Bianca got back in the pool and wallowed like a hippo. So it was all a success and that is over for another year.
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I am thinking a lot about decision making, because it is something I’ve been struggling with lately. I seem to have completely lost faith in my ability to make a call on something and any decision, no matter how small, brings me huge anxiety. These two things, for example. For the school trip I wasn’t worried about B overnight (this isn’t the teachers’ first trip, they’ve probably seen everything already), but about her bag. We’d been told a wheelie bag would be fine so that’s what I’d given her, but all the other parents seemed to be sending a “proper” camping backpack. I was so worried about her being different, and having the wrong thing. What if my decision made things harder for her?
As for the party, yes I was worried about it raining, but once it began I was worse. Should we make the call to go back to our house? But then I’d have to get them all out of the pool and they’ll be disappointed and they’ll get even wetter on the way. And what if, after all that, the rain stopped five minutes later and the sun came out? I kept asking the other parents over and over if it was okay, which must have been annoying after a while. I was so worried about making the wrong call.
You know how some people are completely okay with making mistakes, and can shrug it off and say “oh well,” and others really hate it? I am firmly in the second camp, if you couldn’t already tell. Dr Google tells me this is a sign of a Rigid Personality and that I don’t like my worldview challenged, but I’ve been working through what’s going on in my head when this happens and don’t think that’s quite right. If I make a mistake I get horribly embarrassed and apologetic and beat myself up for it for ages. And I imagine everyone is looking at me thinking “what an idiot”. I’m afraid of making a mistake because I don’t want to be judged poorly for it. . God, look at that Nicky, she let it RAIN and then left the kids PLAYING IN IT, what an awful person she is, we don’t like her!
This is interesting because knowing this surely means I can work on changing it, right? I can realise that I don’t have to be right 100% of the time, that the world won’t end and I won’t die if I make a mistake. Perhaps I just need to laugh at myself more and practise shrugging it off. Dammit, my weather god powers are not working today. Shall we leave them where they are? Okay, let me know if you think we should move them. I’ll start with the little decisions, like what restaurant should I choose for date night, and work from there.
What do you think? How do you handle decisions and the chance of being wrong?