10 Sep

Hmm

We took mum back home on the weekend. Her operation went well; the surgeon said he tested the implant once it was in and the response was very good, so it’s looking hopeful for a great result. I was impressed with her recovery; I expected her to be knocked out by it and needing a lot more rest for days but she was discharged on Wednesday and came out carrying her own case and looking pretty much the same as ever, and other than reporting a bit of stiff soreness and needing a rest on thursday afternoon she seemed her old self.
I went in on Tuesday afternoon to see her. She was woozy from the anaesthetic and kept falling back asleep. She asked me over and over if her voice sounded right (one of her fears was that the implant could change it) and if she was making sense (yes and yes). There wasn’t much I could do so I didn’t stay long but she seemed to like that I was there, and ditto. It was really nice to be there, be able to keep her company and be gentle and reassuring. That doesn’t happen much between us…. which brings me to my next thought.
We had a really good visit the last few days. Towards the end I was losing patience a bit but mostly we got on well (except for one argument on Thursday when she was cleaning my house instead of resting). I didn’t have my bristles up. I was relaxed, instead of being always ready for a fight.
It could be because she was staying with us and not feeling 100%, that I was secure on my own turf and she was seeing (and accepting) me as an adult, or maybe because my higher dose of anxiety meds are kicking in. We got on well. We spoke like two adults who heard and respected each other. And so I have to ask: is it all me? Well, not ALL me, she is as you say batshit crazy quirky and can be very frustrating to deal with, but maybe I am normally just that little bit too quick to overreact to stuff she says or does?
It’s definitely something I need to think about. Whatever it was, I hope it will continue, because the way we were together is how I’d like our relationship to be. I’m going up to visit in a couple of weeks so we’ll have to see what happens.
03 Sep

yes, my mother

My Mum’s been staying with us since Friday because tomorrow she’s going in to have a cochlear implant, an actual bionic ear. I’m so immensely proud of her for going ahead with this, despite all of her fears and the potential risks. It’s major surgery, obviously risky for anyone, if they hit her facial nerve her face could sag permanently, the procedure destroys any residual hearing she has and at the end of it may not work at all anyway. And she’s worried about how she’ll look with ‘this thing’ stuck on the side of her head. It’s easy to dismiss some of her worries as vanity (and I have), but then it’s not MY head they’re drilling into, is it?

And yet, she’s doing it. I’m so glad. It could take up to a year for it to start working fully but the payoffs would be awesome. (If it works.) And they’re doing it in her worst ear which has barely any hearing anyway, so hopefully she’s not losing too much. Saggy face and lumpy processor on her  head notwithstanding, of course.

So far we’ve been having a surprisingly good visit, only a little shouty and annoying. She’s enjoyed playing with Bianca, and even Sheldon the Aggressive Guard Parrot is in love with her. On Saturday I took her to one of my favourite places — Ikea! It wasn’t quite the road to Damascus-type conversion I was hoping for, but she did enjoy it and said the meatballs were nice. I wouldn’t know; Bianca would let me eat any of mine.

I’m either on Carer’s Leave or working from home this week. Thank you, Evil Empire, for being considerate! This afternoon I’ll drive her in to the Eye and Ear Hospital ready for her op tomorrow morning. She’s nervous, of course, and I’m glad that she’s here with me so I can give her hugs. Just for her of course, I’m not worried at all… :-)

*

The wikipedia article linked above claims the costs for a cochlear implant in the US are between $45k – $125k “some of which may be covered by health insurance”. But here in Australia the entire thing is free and covered by Medicare (in the UK it’s free under the National Health Service). I bitch a lot about being taxed up the wazoo and being forced to pay for expensive private health insurance for our family, (rants posts to come) but I am so so grateful that we live here so Mum CAN have this done. Sure she had to wait over a year for her turn, but it’s here now and so far the care she’s been getting through the evaluation process has been wonderful.

So I’m very grateful, and hopeful too.

*

One part of the article was amusing. It says:

The discovery that electrical stimulation in the auditory system can create a perception of sound occurred around 1790, when Alessandro Volta (the developer of the electric battery) placed metal rods in his own ears and connected them to a 50-volt circuit, experiencing a jolt and hearing a noise “like a thick boiling soup”.

Which made me laugh pretty damn hard. You have got to love the enquiring scientific mind. “I’ve just made this really cool invention, I wonder what will happen if I stick it in one of my orifices?” I suppose we should be happy he chose to stick the electrodes in his ears instead of attaching them to his knob.

Or should I say as well as, since Wikipedia does not record where else he may have inserted them. Presumably the results were not as good.

23 Jun

home visit

I’m up in my hometown of Ballarat at the moment, spending a couple of days visiting my mother. Yeah, I’m not sure why I thought it was a good idea either. It’s not been too bad, just not as great as I’d hoped. I thought it’d be nice to get away from the house for a few days so I could relax and enjoy Bianca instead of trying to get housework and everything else done as well. Ballarat is perfect for this, it’s big enough to have everything you need, but small enough that everything feels more relaxed. I pitured myself trundling the pram round the shops, getting a chance to browse for a change, and seeing my family and letting them fuss over the baby. I like when people fuss over the baby. And of course letting mum spend time with her. She is absolutely besotted with her only grandchild, and it isn’t fair that she doesn’t get to see her. So a few weeks ago Mum suggested I come visit for a few days and I thought Oh hell no, but after I’d thought about it for a while I decided it would be a nice idea.

It’s not been quite all I pictured. For a start Bianca’s a little unsettled being in a strange place with her routines all mixed up — not too bad, but a little. Neither of us are sleeping well. And Mum’s a little bit weird. She wants us to visit, she likes us being here, but then she just potters around doing her own thing. It drives Dave crazy. I don’t want a big production but you’d think she’d want to sit with me in the evening to have a chat and, I don’t know, learn a bit about what’s going on with me since she always complains I don’t tell her. Or plan some outings. I found it a bit strange that she didn’t mention seeing anyone when one of the reasons she asked me to visit was so one of my aunts could meet the baby. So on the Tuesday morning I asked if we’d be going to visit, say, Auntie Jess or anyone else today.

“Oh I normally go see Auntie Jessie on a Wednesday,” she said and I thought okay, fine, I know you like your routines so I’ll come along then if there’s time before I go home.

Then later that night when she was cooking dinner and I was breastfeeding she yelled from the kitchen, “And we haven’t been to see Auntie Helen yet.”

This, by the way, is one of my pet peeves, the way she’ll talk to you form another room (or even in the same room but facing the other way) when she has no hope in hell of hearing your reply, so she just sort of assumes what you said and goes on with her conversation. And guess how many times she gets it right. So you have to rush in from wherever you are to stand in front of her to make her stop and wind back. It’s like she doesn’t think being deaf has any effect at all. Anyway, I was stuck under the baby so I didn’t rush in to answer so I waited till she brought it up again and asked (calmly!) how she thought that would work since it was almost the baby’s bedtime, I’d told her I was catching up with a friend the next morning, and I’d want to leave for home by 3 at the absolute latest.

She just looked at me all shocked. It turns out all the times we’d talked about me coming up, from the first time she mentioned it to when I phoned her Monday morning to say I was about to leave, all the times that I’d said I’d be coming for two days, I was arriving Monday and leaving Wednesday, I couldn’t stay any longer because I had an appointment Thursday morning, so that’s why it would be FOR TWO DAYS ARRIVING MONDAY AND LEAVING WEDNESDAY, that had all gone completely over her head. I still don’t know how. She says she thought I said I was leaving Thursday, and all I can think is everytime I started telling her, she’d talk over the top of me saying how nice it would be. But, hey. I don’t feel guilty, I tried really hard to get her to understand, the only thing I didn’t do is give her a quiz at the end of the phonecall, and she gets mad when I say, “And what did I say?” and ask her to repeat it back to me.

Anyway, two days is just about enough, I really miss Dave and I miss my house and I’m really looking forward to going home. It has been nice though. I’m glad I’ve done it, it was nice seeing her, it made her happy and Bianca is fascinated by the mad old bat so it’s all turned out okay in the end.

23 Feb

Showered

This was our second really busy weekend in a row. I don’t think I had my computer on at all over either of them, that’s how busy I was. Too busy to check blogs, it really doesn’t get any busier than that.

The reason we’ve been so busy is that my baby shower was on Sunday, and we wanted to get the baby’s room finished beforehand. So we worked hard sorting that out, and then we did a whole bunch of other little jobs we’d been procrastinating on like unpacking all the books in the family room (or rather, putting the piles of unpacked books on the shelves); putting up shelves in the study and sorting out all the papers etc which had exploded in there. Seriously, it was our dumping ground and it was disgusting. I would have taken a before photo to show you, but I couldn’t find the camera. That’s how bad it was.

Anyway, it all got done and now the house looks awesome. It’s amazing how much nicer a place looks when it’s tidy and all the half-unpacked boxes are removed. And I’m amazed at how much we can achieve if we stop procrastinating and just do stuff. Dave’s moaning about not having had a proper weekend for ages but I don’t care, the house is lovely and he can play computer games every night this week if he wants.

So the baby shower was wonderful. Dave’s sisters G and C did a great job. I was so touched when they offered to organise it, and also that everybody came. There were about 20 of us altogether and I was a bit overwhelmed by the whole thing. I’m not all that comfortable being the centre of attention, I never feel I deserve it so I get all shy. But I looked around the room and it was filled with my friends, women that I love, who were all excited for me. And I got teary. And the baby got some wonderful gifts and I feel so loved and blessed by everyone.

Oh and get this – three of the people at the party were my mum and two of my aunts. My mum came. Given that our last big fight started (she’s not one to stay on topic in a fight) because she didn’t want to come down to visit after the baby was born and because I was a horrible person for saying I wasn’t sure I’d be comfortable bringing a newborn on a four-hour round trip to visit her so she might have to wait a month or so before that happened, I really didn’t expect her to come. I mean, she barely made it to my wedding for fuck’s sake, why would she show for a couple of hours of afternoon tea? So when we were organising this six or eight weeks ago I told her she’d be getting an invite because it would look odd if she didn’t but not to worry about it. And there she was, they came down on the train and she’d arranged with Cath to be collected at our local station.

I do not understand her.

Oh, and there was absolutely no mention of our argument. She just phoned a week or so ago, out of the blue, and asked me what I still needed for the baby, so she could tell my aunts what to get me. And that some of them were coming down, and they were all put out because they hadn’t gotten invites to the shower, but she’d “smoothed it over” (my mother has no internal editor; everything you tell her will be repeated to everyone she knows without thinking about whether it’s appropriate or not, so beware). I told her honestly that since none of them came to our wedding and that had been far more important to me I hadn’t even thought of inviting them to this (it’s not like the baby’s here yet) and she said that they still liked to have the opportunity to say no. And I didn’t know what to say to that.

Sometimes I think I’m a changeling.

01 Feb

Not.

We went home to visit my mother on the weekend. It did not go well. The same arguments, the same utter conviction that I am completely wrong. I can cope with us having different viewpoints on topics, even when the topic is our relationship. It’s inevitable, we’re coming from opposite sides, of course we see it differently. But I would like to discuss it, find out why she thinks one way and explain why I think another, and she won’t. I am just wrong. More, I am just bad, and everything that is wrong is down to me.

(And then the screaming starts.)

I spent years believing her. I still do, really. I think I’m bad and worthless and I can’t imagine why Dave wants to be with me. He’s a smart guy, right? Why is he still here? I must be fooling him somehow. Then he says, I’ve lived with you for the past five years and she barely knows you, who do you think is right? And I almost believe him. Almost.

It was so much easier when we lived overseas.

I’m feeling pretty sad right now. But I’ll be okay in a bit.

29 Dec

Christmas dividend joy, and stuff

I was just catching up on the mail and we had some dividend statements for the company I work for (and where Dave also used to work). It turns out we have 102 more shares than I thought we did. On the one hand, woohoo! That’s another $2700 or so in our net worth. But on the other, how embarrassing! It doesn’t really matter because they just sit there, but I’m embarrassed that I am so gung ho on budgetting and spreadsheets and can balance our accounts down to the cent, but I lose track of shares and have no real idea what our superannuation is doing. Really, it’s a mess. I have lots of work to do in the coming year to get us sorted out.

Still, it’s a lovely surprise, even if my statement says I’ve got unpresented cheques (unlikely, since I’ve always had direct deposits done), and that Dave’s dividends are supposed to go to the account that he closed a couple of months ago. Oops.

*

Christmas was a great success. Everyone had a lovely time (or at least lied and said they did), and I got by with the minimum of screaming matches with my mum. We got some lovely pressies too. My favorite was the complete boxed set of Friends DVDs from Dave. When we lived in London Friends was on about 4 times a day on various channels, and during my 2004 Summer of Despair before I met him, I got in the habit of watching every single showing. So after that it was a joke that Friends was always on. But here, it isn’t! So he bought me the DVDs so I can watch them while nursing the baby, and I cried because really, he is the most thoughtful person. I got him a book on forbidden Lego models and half a Crumpler bag for work (the other half was his family Kris Kringle gift) and he was happy too.

Mum stayed with us from Christmas Eve through to Sunday when we drove her back to my home town, and it was mostly okay. Our relationship is… frustrating, is the best word I can come up with to describe it. Frustrating, for many different reasons and for faults on both our sides. Remind me to tell you about it sometime. It’s hard to explain without giving you the full story but the full story would probably take up the whole internet so it will have to wait. Anyway, we had a few issues on Christmas day, but afterwards we were mostly okay and Saturday was actually successful. And then she went home :-)

Yesterday (Monday) was Boxing Day holiday here and we went to see Avatar in 3D, which I thought was absolutely brilliant, and then we went to Myer and bought a Dyson handheld vacuum cleaner. I have been lusting after one of these for ages, we really need one because of the budgie and the new baby and I just don’t want to have to haul the big vacuum out every day. It has a power head! Myer only had it 15% off, but we also had a bunch of reward gift cards that have been hanging around for months, so we ended up getting it for $200 instead of $349. And I thought that was absolutely brilliant as well.

And then Dave’s sister and her boyfriend came over and we had a BBQ and played a couple of games of Ticket to Ride until midnight, and now I’m exhausted and I don’t want to see a single other person for a week at least.

I hope your weekend was as successful!

 

03 Apr

resolution tester

Oh dear. People, I caved. It took all of 20 minutes for me to go get a turkish delight. Then another. And a muesli bar later on. I did not feel so good afterwards! Today I am tired and a bit stodgy round the middle and trying really hard to avoid it all. I Have Issues with chocolate, my blood sugar goes mad so if I have one I can almost guarantee I’ll have three. Best not to have one in the first place, right? Well geez, Einstein, wish someone had told me that sooner.

Tonight we’re driving down to Ballarat for the weekend to visit some friends and see my mum. We go maybe once a month or so, and it’s always… well, it’s interesting. Interesting to see how long it takes before we’re shouting at each other, that is. Sometimes Dave has bets. I love my mum, I truly do, but we have personality clashes and after spending six and a half years being just my own person in London it is hard for me to adjust back to fitting her view of what a Good Daughter should look like. It doesn’t help that in all my adult life I have lived at least 2 hours’ drive from my mum and she has visited me in my home exactly four times in seventeen years, so she has no idea who I am as a grownup. To her I am still a gormless teenager who can’t do laundry and has to be told how to sift flour to make pancakes. Whereas, you know, I am not.

(And also she’s deaf but refuses to admit it to herself so she’ll talk to you from another room and then fill in the answers she thinks you make and I wouldn’t mind only she never ever gets them right. So I end up storming down from the other end of the house shouting at her and shouting makes me cross and before I know it I’m cross all over.)

Sigh. It’s hard for her. I need more patience, I know I do. All our fights are my fault. Just ask my mum, she’ll tell you.

Hoo boy, I bet I’m not alone in having enough fodder from my relationship with my mother to fill an entire journal. So I shall not go there! Yet! All I will say is I love my mum, I love my mum, I love my mum (repeat for next 3 days) and see if I can have a go at being a better person this weekend.