Not My Mother

Woah, sorry, didn’t mean to disappear like that. We’ve had an interesting couple of weeks over here at Chez NMM. The Sunday after that last entry Dave had an accident on his bike. He was happily riding along the bike path when he went round a blind corner and ran smack into a group of four riders coming the other way. They were spread right across the path even though it’s a two-way path with the lanes clearly marked… anyway, they were right there at the corner and Dave had no time and nowhere to go, so he couldn’t do anything but run into them.

He was so lucky. His helmet was shattered and his bike written off, and we spent eight hours in Emergency waiting for the results of xrays and CT scans but all the ended up with was scrapes and bruises, massive back cramps from lying in one position for eight hours, and a mild concussion. They let him go home that night. The girl he hit wasn’t so lucky, she’d thought hr cheekbone was broken but we don’t know anything more because she went to another hospital.

I suppose the lesson here is if you’re out cycling ALWAYS wear your helmet (they are mandatory in Australia), and if you must run head on into someone try to hit them with the helmetted part of your head rather than your face.

I don’t really know how to react to this. I mean, he’s FINE. No broken bones, no brain bleeds or scull fractures, everything was clear. He was very lucky and it could have been so much worse. To be honest, apart from a pang when I first saw him in the hospital (and for a second thought the blanket was up over his face) I wasn’t all that concerned. I thought if the scans were clear then he would be perfectly fine, and the week off work was nice but he’d just spend it playing computer games and having a grand time. But he wasn’t. He was sick and sore and for most of that first week he couldn’t concentrate at all. The most he could do was lie onthe couch and watch DVDs, and even that wore him out after an hour. Everyone who spoke to him in that week has told me how vague and not-Dave he sounded. I took him to see our wonderful osteopath and she said she could sense the trauma in his body and head so I guess that’s understandable but still, this was him being lucky and getting off lightly, what if it had been worse?

But, he’s fine. He will be fine. He’s feeling more like himself but this whole thing has been a sobering experience. I’ve been hearing an awful lot of stories from other people and it makes me shiver, how very fragile are these little shells we keep ourselves in.

*

So all that happened, what, two and a half weeks ago? It seems a lot longer. Needless to say, my FLYlady routines went right out the window. I worked from home most of that first week so I could take Dave to appointments and with the two of us being home the whole house turned into a war zone. My sink was definitely not shiny! But that’s also coming good. I gave the house a really good clean the following weekend and am sort of back where I began, and nearly ready to start tackling things which is good because a few things have come up. For a start, we don’t have income insurance, and we should have. Must get that organised. Also insurance for the new bike. The old one wasn’t insured, because when we looked no one would insure it for damage while in use, but I’ve since found out that you can do that now. Ironically the way I found out was through an ad that popped up on Facebook next to Dave’s pictures of his poor broken bike, which I suppose proves Google Ads work… And of course there’s FLYlady. So much for my month of FLYlady in May! We’re what, three whole weeks behind now? Oh well, never mind. I’m sure the mess will wait!

During May I am following FLYlady’s 31-day Beginner’s Babysteps, and reporting on my progress.

The FLYlady adventure continues on Day 5. As well as keeping up with our regular getting dressed and shining our sink, today she says:

Are you hearing any of those nagging negative voices popping into your head? I want you to take a piece of paper and write down what you hear then I want you to turn those ugly words around and say something nice to yourself to negate the ugly words that they said.

Where to start? I have the negative voices all the time. Here’s what they’re saying today. It might sound familiar, I hear they get around:

1. your skin looks terrible today
2. when are you going to do something about your weight?
3. you are not doing a good job at work. Better hope no one notices because you’ll be sacked and you’ll never manage to get work again
4. jesus, seriously, could you BE any crappier at your job?
5. your house is a pigsty and you are useless for letting it be that way
6. you are a bad person. You’ll be a terrible mother.
7. watch out, maybe today Dave will realise you’re not worth loving.

That bit was easy! But the next bit, to say something nice to myself? That’s hard. How do I get these vicious little whispers to shut up?

See, my father was an arse. Alcoholic (not that he’d ever admit it), petty, controlling, mentally unstable. His moods were all over the place, you had to tiptoe around him all the time. He could hold a grudge for months, in fact one time he didn’t speak to me for 6 weeks and it only stopped because he went back to the ship (he was in the Merchant Navy) and presumably forgot while he was away. And he could be so cruel, with the things he’d say. He made our lives hell for years. It was such a relief when my parents finally split up when I was 17, I didn’t care I was halfway through year 12 and wouldn’t be able to go to Melbourne Uni like I’d planned. I haven’t seen him since I was 21, he died 4 years ago, and yet I still have nightmares about him coming back.

Mind you, my mother’s not perfect either. She has her issues. When she’s mad at me she (still!)hisses “you’re just like your father.” Which is pretty hurtful because I know how she feels about my dad. But sometimes I think she’s right. I have his arrogance, his temper. And it terrifies me. I hate myself. There are a billion reasons why I don’t want to turn into either of my parents. Don’t get me wrong, I know my mother loves me. And I do love her. But we’re very different people and it wasn’t exactly a supportive relationship over here. Still isn’t, really. I really wish it was different.

So anyway, plenty of negative voices over here. And it’s not easy for me to think of nice things to counteract them. I mean, I am fat, my skin is awful, I really am that shit.

But sometimes, I feel pretty good. I know, I remember it. When I’ve slept enough and am calm, when the sun is shining and my body doesn’t hurt. When I can concentrate on just being me instead of the me that Mum sees, and I have time to breath and get my feet under me. Well, then I realise that my hair is pretty and I might have rosacea but it’s not that bad. I am a good cook and a loving wife, I’m great with finances and animals (just ask the budgie who was terrified of me six months ago and is now hanging off the side of my head), and when people ask me questions at work I know what I’m talking about. I am funny and generous and nice and people really like me. In short, I am brilliant. If I could feel like this all the time I’d rule the world.

During May I am following FLYlady’s 31-day Beginner’s Babysteps, and reporting on my progress.

I was actually busy at work today. Busy! So I didn’t have time to look at FLYlady until I got home. Luckily today’s job is just to write down our tasks on post-its and leave them where we can see them in the kitchen and the bathroom. This is the start of our ‘control journal’.

Um, I don’t know about you but I feel pretty stupid writing “get dressed to shoes” and sticking it on the mirror. I mean, I might as well put, “underpants go first!” or something. I tried writing affirmations once and putting them where I could see them but I got selfconscious at the idea of people (Dave) seeing and judging. Yet my OCD part won’t let me skip this day. Is it better to follow FLYlady (and thus ingrain my habits) or let go of the urge to follow instructions exactly? I don’t know.

So instead I’ve made a little chart with the tasks on it and a box for each day. I’ll leave it on my dressing table and tick things off as I do them. It looks like this:

I tried this once before and found that if I have a table like this to tick off it makes it easier for me to follow and meet my goals. The problem is, if I don’t see it, I don’t do it. Last time it was on my desk where it got lost under piles of stuff. So, this time, it must live on the dressing table. I’ve added the vitamins because I keep forgetting to take them. And the flossing because I really need to, and I forget. I did resist adding 15 other tasks to the list like I usually do. This is a slow process, if I want it to work I have to be patient.

So I am taking the system and adapting it to my needs. Go me!

During May I am following FLYlady’s 31-day Beginner’s Babysteps, and reporting on my progress.

One thing I forgot when signing up for this is real life gets in the way. Yes, May has 31 days just like the babysteps program, but some days I’m just not going to be able to do it.

Yesterday (Sunday) I went up to Mt Buller to try skiing for the first time. It was a spur of the moment trip; a friend convinced us to go despite my reservations that I wasn’t fit enough, that I’d hurt myself, that I just wouldn’t be able to do it and would end up rolling down the mountain like a giant snowball with limbs. As it turned out it wasn’t a success and I ended up bailing pretty early for various reasons which are probably worth a post of their own. Of course Dave was brilliant at it and wants to go again soon. He is annoying like that.

Regardless it was a lovely day and I’m glad I went, but we were out from before dawn until after dinner so I didn’t have a chance to do anything on FLYlady. So I’m doing Day 3 today. I thought of just saying I did it, it’s so easy, but that’s cheating. There’s a principle involved, you know?

All we have to do today is get dressed to lace up shoes, shine our sink, and spend 2 minutes reading our reminders. That’s it.

The reminders come in one email these days (it used to be several during the day) and remind you of your monring and evening routines, the day’s task and the month’s habit. It’s all very intriguing and makes me feel organised even though I’m not doing any of it yet. I’m also envious of people who are home all day, these SHEs (Sidetracked Home Executives, see the cutseyness is starting already) who can find time to do the tasks and decletter and all sorts. I mean, obviously they can’t, mostly, that’s why they’re on the list; but once they do start… all that time to organise! It sounds like bliss.

I feel like I’m cheating. This isn’t very hard yet, and I only put on shoes today to go to work. I should do the daily 15 minute task but today’s is to clean out the bin and it sounds like too big a job, it is daunting me to haul it upstairs to the bath. Which is probably FLYlady’s point exactly.

During May I am following FLYlady’s 31-day Beginner’s Babysteps, and reporting on my progress. I wrote this on Saturday night but didn’t post it until Monday – sorry!

Day Two of FLYlady’s Beginner’s Babysteps simply tells us:

Get dressed to lace up shoes.

It doesn’t say why on that page but I read it somewhere – maybe in the reminders which come in all the time? Anyway, the idea is if you get fully dressed with shoes and everything you are less likely to faff around all day wasting time. Also, she says you should do your hair and makeup. This does two things: it means you’re ready if anyone shows up unexpectedly (like Social Services, to dig your kids out of the mess?), and it makes you feel good.

I must admit I tend to slob around in the same clothes until I drop something down them, but if I’m putting on something that at least matches and making sure my hair is pretty, I feel a lot better about myself.

This is such a good tip. I have a habit of wallowing around far too late, playing with the budgie, lazing around watching bad tv or surfing the net. I get really stressed when I realise it’s 11am and I’ve not done anything yet. By the time I’m dressed half the day is gone! Whereas other times when I’ve got a lot on I’ve got up early and zipped around the house putting on laundry, tidying up, cooking, whatever — zoom zoom zoom, that’s me and it’s brilliant.

So it’s nice to be up and doing things. But I have a bit of a dilemma: sometimes I like those mornings of slobbing around. When you laze in bed for a couple of hours with a cup of coffee and the ikea catalogue. I’m only home on weekends, why can’t I enjoy myself? Also there’s coupole time to take into account — snuggling is really important to us, so what if Dave wants to do that? I can’t just say no. And yet there are days when I wake up well before him. I should use that time wisely and I do so much better if I’m up and dressed rather than floating around in my pyjamas feeling grotty.

What I need, once again, is balance. Yes, the slothful days are great but not every day. And they’re really only good when it’s quality sloth, not vegging in front of the tv. Maybe I get up and about on Saturdays, and laze in on Sundays? Or the other way around? And, ahem, there’s no reason I can’t just get back into bed when Dave wakes up…

Heh. As I’m typing this I’ve realised there’s nothing in FLYlady’s instructions that says I have to get dressed to lace up shoes AT THE CRACK OF DAWN. She just says to do it. Sooo, I could laze around a little bit in the morning and then when I’m ready put the damn shoes on and get on with it.

So today. Today I had a slight lie in with Dave, and then I showed and dressed and got out the door because I had errands to keep me busy all day. It was another really good day even though I was barely home and nothing got done.And I had my shoes on the whole time!

Tomorrow I am going skiing (!!!!) so I won’t have anything to say until Monday. See you then!

During May I am following FLYlady’s 31-day Beginner’s Babysteps, and reporting on my progress.

So today is day 1 of my FLYlady experiment, and the task today is to shine my sink. As in, take all the dishes out, clean it, and leave it all polished and without water drips. She says this will give us a sense of accomplishment, that even if everything else is a mess at least there’s order here, and that eventually that little spot of order will spread out and take over the rest of the house. I have to admit, the sink does look lovely when it’s clean.

(I have a confession to make. I didn’t do this today. I read ahead last night while Dave was out nerding, and did it then. Cheat! There was a chance we’d be going out tonight and how rubbish would it be to fall behind on the first day? Also, I’m not quite ready to tell him I’m doing FLYlady again. Maybe I won’t tell him at all, and see if he notices.)

Anyway, FLYlady’s instructions have you filling up your sink with bleach and letting it sit, then cleaning it with ajax or similar. Now, I once had a white plastic sink which needed that treatment weekly, but I don’t think it’s necessary on a stainless steel jobby. Here’s what I suggest:

1. fill sink with a little bit of hot water and some dishwashing liquid
2. take your dishwashing sponge (or a sponge with a scouring side) and just have at it. You want to get the soap scum, the old bits of food, and the water stains off, and this works pretty well. Do the walls and bottom of the sink, the draining board, and don’t forget the taps.
3. then FLYlady suggests using something pointy to run around the edge of the sink and the taps to get the black stuff off, but don’t get all OCD about it (like I do). Give it a scrub with your scourer, it will still be better than it was before
4. rinse everything off and wipe down with a towel. Oooh, look how beeyoootiful!

FLYlady says your sink will look so lovely you’ll want to keep it that way, and I can see that’s true. Then she goes a bit mad and suggests not allowing anyone to put dishes in your beautiful treasure. Instead, she says to keep a box in the cupboard below it and put the dishes in there. Um NO! I can see what will happen. Out of sight does indeed mean out of mind and soon you’ve got a drawer full of matter and plates gaining sentience. What a dangerous thing to suggest! So instead, this is my plan: I will empty the dishwasher soon after it’s run and use that as my ‘drawer’. All non-dishwasherable dishes will stand neatly on the bench next to the sink to be dealt with, and I won’t freak out if Dave puts his bowl in the sink instead of leaning down like he does every frickin day.

But what if I don’t have a dishwasher?
It doesn’t matter, you can still do it. Our old kitchen in London had no dishwasher, and very little bench space with none at all near the sink, so dishes were either left spread everywhere (me) or piled up in the sink like a bad tetris game (Dave). I particularly hated how he did that. Firstly, I always had to take the dishes out and put them back on the bench anyway so why bother? Secondly, there’s something about a bunch of dirty dishes next to a rack of clean ones that squicks me out. So I hated it. On the other hand, Dave hated how I left things spread out like water so it does take all types. For my part I would try to stack the dishes neatly on the bench, and he–well, he kept balancing them on top of each other. Oh well.

Anyway, our routine became thus: dishes had to be done every night after dinner, by whoever didn’t cook. I liked to do them straight away so I could enjoy the evening; Dave would leave them till just before bed so I’d be sitting twitching and wondering if he’d forget. It didn’t matter. The important thing is, you’re not faced with a kitchen full of dishes when you get up in the morning. And no, we didn’t dry them. They’d be left to air dry and be put away the next day, preferably before the next lot were dirtied (see squicky, above). We also didn’t bother doing the dishes during the day, but if we cooked something complicated it was seen as manners to clean up as you went.

Either way, at the end of the day you’re left with a clean sink and the dishes (mostly) done, barring a cup or two. And it really does make a difference to how you feel in the morning, when the kitchen is tidy and the sink is not filled with odd bits of stuck-on pasta. So… verdict: good. Job done.