Not My Mother

Well I was completely blindsided by that cold there for a while. I’m still not sure if it was an actual cold or a reaction to the flu shot; it did come on really quickly but I was already feeling a bit off the day before and it was a bit extreme for a “general unwell” feeling. It doesn’t matter, either way I’m over it now and I’ll probably not bother getting a flu shot again.

Anyway, so I didn’t get much done on my goals for the rest of last week. But! I did get some fund stuff done on the weekend. On Saturday Dave toddled off to the Grand Prix and I sat down with a coffee and toasted muffin and sorted through all the wedding presents, making a proper list of exactly who gave us what, and working out what we had duplicates of. And then I pulled everything out of my saucepan cupboard and reorganised it and everything fit in with room to spare, and ooh, but it is beautiful.

It’s been so exciting opening the wedding presents. Everything’s really cool! I said that to Dave and he looked at me like I was an idiot and said, “maybe that’s because you picked it all.” Then he called me a doofus and said while we were on the subject why exactly did we need twelve different casserole dishes? I said there weren’t twelve there were only seven, at least that we were given, and of course we needed them because they were all different sizes and therefore good for different things. And I ignored the second part of his question which was about the extra sugar bowls and teapots, and pointed out how nice the casserole dishes looked in my lovely freshly organised cupboard.

Organised cupboards! Is there anything more beautiful? I keep opening the doors to admire what I’ve done. Now I’m wondering how I can make sure Dave puts everything back where it goes, instead of in whichever blank spot looks closest. I’m considering taking photos of each shelf and sticking them to the inside of the doors, or possibly painting shapes like you get on toolboards.

Oh good lord I am tired. So, so tired. Please, let me sleep.

This week I’ve been getting to bed around 11, but then with reading (Robin Hobb’s Tawny Man series, impossible to put down) not turning the light off before 11:30pm, possibly midnight. That’s ok during your holidays, but when your alarm goes off at 5:30am it’s not nearly enough time at all. Hence, the feeling that my eyes are filled with sand and the keyboard marks on my forehead. It’s not good to feel like this at 10am on a Wednesday with so much of the week to go. Also, because I can’t usually tell the difference between feeling tired and feeling depressed, I’m likely to drag myself around going, oh god, let me kill myself now, it’s not worth it, until someone else points out what’s going on. What can I say, I’m not bright at the best of times, I guess.

I’m trying to remember what time I went to bed before the holiday and can’t. Ten-thirty, maybe? Certainly not before then. So why such a difference?

In a past life I would have lights out at 10pm when my alarm went off at five. (I also left my alarm on on weekends so I could turn it off and appreciate the sleep in. Some things don’t need to come back.) That seems a little extreme but maybe I should try gently modifying back to lights out at 11, and then maybe 10:30 if it’s still not enough. It’s all about forming habits, or more accurately, breaking the one where I tool about aimlessly on the net all night.

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In other news, I am feeling really weird today. It started with being all sneezy and then just before lunch I got dizzy and weak and a thumping headache came on. I think it’s down to the flu injection I got yesterday courtesy of work. On the information sheet I got beforehand, it says:

Common side effects

• Redness, swelling, tenderness around the injection site
• Muscle aches and pains, tiredness

Less common side effects

• Fever, chills, headache and a general feeling of being unwell that may last 1-2 days.

Further down it lists the ‘rare immediate’ side effects of hives, swelling, shortness of breath, swallowing difficulties, sudden drop in blood pressure, abdominal cramps, and recommends you are not alone for 15 minutes afterwards. Gosh!

Generally I’m all for protecting myself and taking all the free stuff I can get, but as I was enjoying my post-shot chuppa chup I wondered if it was really worth it. For a start I’m not in any of the high-risk groups (I’m under 65, no heart, lung or blood circulation disease, no chronic illness like diabetes; I don’t live in a nursing home or care facility or deal with people who do, and my immune system is fine). The documentation is careful to point out that it only protects from the flu strains in the vaccine, not the colds, sniffles, or don’t-want-to-work syndrome I am more likely to get. In all of my adult life, I think there’s only been one time I’ve been sick enough that it might have been the flu. So is it really worth the 1-2 days of feeling crappy like this, all for a long shot?

What do you think? Does your work provide flu shots? Would/will you take one?

So my official starting weight is 87.9 kg, or 193.4 lb. At 5′ 3″ that puts me firmly in the squat ‘n’ wide category. Not to worry, we’ll take it slow and healthily and see how we go.

I’m trying to hard not to repeat my previous madness of trying too much too soon, so this week my goals are:

• drink 2 litres of water every day
• take 10,000 steps on weekdays
• record weightwatchers even if I eat badly
• do 10 minutes stretching in the morning and after work

That isn’t too much, is it?

By the way, this isn’t going to be a weightloss blog. I’m not quite sure what it will be, yet, but I do know I can’t make that interesting, unlike dietgirl and poundy and other brilliant people like them.

So this morning I weighed myself and in 12 days of honeymoon I gained 1.8kg, or 3.96 lb. Since each pound of fat is about 3500 calories, that means over the last 12 days I’ve eaten 13860 calories more than what I need.

What can I say? I put a lot of effort in for that result. And you know, I don’t regret any of them!

But. Now it is time to get rid of them and start being healthy. I’m quite relieved actually, I was starting to feel stodgy and my digestion was suffering from all the rich food. I suppose there has to be one reason why it’s not good to stay on holidays forever. It can’t really be pros all the way.

My plan is simple. I want to begin eating healthily, and also exercising more. (Gosh, doesn’t that sound like brilliant advice? Eat well and get moving! Who knew?) I’ll eat lightly, with low fat, fresh unprocessed food as much as possible. I’m going to do Weight Watchers mainly as a way of keeping track. I know it can work as a weightloss system but only if I stick to fresh fruit and vegetables that basically have no calories. Otherwise I eat all my points by lunchtime and panic. So for now I’ll give myself permission to go over the points, if I’ll only write the damn stuff in anyway.

Physically I’ll wear my pedometer and aim for 10,000 steps every day, and also some regular stretching. I’m tempted to get ambitious and say three gym visits every week! Yoga every day! Walking at lunchtime! like I usually do, but that never works. So we’ll start with the little bit more movement. I feel like I’ve not moved in weeks. My mind is relaxed but my body is stiff as a board.

In other news, I’ve done 3 loads of washing and I’m starting to feel like I’m in control again. I’d do more but they probably won’t all fit on my clothes dryers as it is. Sitting here looking at it all flapping in the breeze is making me very happy — ah, shit. A couple of my bras have come unpegged and are festooning the bushes out there. I suppose it’s the same as tying a mainsail down on one end and expecting it to work. Better go rescue them — talk more later!

In theory I love my life. If I were to tell you about it, you’d say what’s not to love? I live in Melbourne Australia, in a cute little house with a wonderful boy and a budgie. We both (well, the human ones) have stable jobs. We love cooking and drinking wine and snuggling on the couch. Sometimes we go on drives or walks through to bush and it is wonderful. There is a lot of wonderful.

But that’s the chick flick version, the glossy stuff. You never see people in chick flicks with unshaved legs or cluttered cupboards or wasting an entire weekend watching stuff they don’t even like on tv. You don’t see them with grotty floors. Any mess they do have is the attractive kind that can be easily tidied up and transformed in time for the hero to sweep them off their feet in act three. It’s not the whole story, is what I’m saying.

I’ve known for a while that for all I’m happy on the surface, there’s a current of sadness underneath. And I think I’m not unhappy with my life, but with myself. I waste a lot of time by being lazy or procrastinating. I don’t put things back where they belong, and keeping up with housework is a mystery to me. I am not as healthy as I could be–I’m certainly not fit enough–and I’m sometimes not very nice. In fact, sometimes I’m kind of a bitch. And I don’t like it, and it makes me sad.

We’ve been on holiday the past two weeks. Actually it was our honeymoon; after four and a half years we figured it was about time we got around to getting married. It was fantastic but towards the end I started looking forward to doing domestic stuff at home again. It was a bit strange to be sitting by a pool in a tropical paradise thinking, “gosh, I can’t wait to get home and do some laundry.” Maybe it’s a sign that I was rested and refreshed, or maybe it’s just because everything in my suitcase was starting to smell. Anyway, thoughts about the laundry led to thoughts about catching up with the filing, and then on to all the other things that I’d like to do differently. And I thought, why not? Why not now, take this as a fresh start and begin to make the changes I want? I know it’s not going to be easy, there are so many bad habits and it will take a long time, but if I don’t do it now, maybe I never will.

So here I am. Thirty seven years old, freshly married to Dave, and all refreshed and determined to be a better person. A better kind of me. Lord knows there is plenty of room for improvement. Read along with me, maybe we could learn from each other.