an unexpected project

Posted on 15 April, 2013 by Nicky

A new development this past week is that we’re about to gain boarders! Dave’s step-niece lives up in Queensland with her dad (his sister’s ex). Now she’s turned 18 and finished school she wants to move back down here to be with us, but the catch is she also wants to bring her boyfriend as well, and there’s no room for them both at Cath’s house, even if she was willing to have the boyfriend living there, which she’s not, for perfectly valid reasons.

The niece’s situation in Queensland is just getting worse and worse so last week she emailed Dave and asked if he “had any ideas” what they could do for accommodation. Long story short (and possibly in a second post because I’m having a lot of oh fuck oh fuck what have I DONE? thoughts about it) we agreed that they could stay with us for up to 3 months so they could get themselves sorted. The caveats were:

  • They have to be trying to sort themselves out, whether with jobs or getting into Uni/TAFE, not just hanging out at our house.
  • They have to contribute something to the household. Dave wants money towards food, but if that’s tough for them then I’d be more than happy with a bit of a hand with the housework. HOWEVER, her father used to treat her like Cinderella so I don’t want to risk doing that.
  • They will be boarders, not guests. So we won’t be pampering them and conversely won’t expect them to hang out with us in the evenings. We won’t be parenting them either, so if they want to be moody teenagers they can do it in their room.
  • My mum wants to come stay around mother’s day so they have to wait until after then.
  • Now that Cath knows they’re coming, she’s happy to take them for meals and sleepovers, plus another good friend has offered a spare room occasionally.

We’re lucky that our house basically has three living areas, plus their room, so we should be able to coexist without getting on each other’s nerves too much. The tricky bit is their room, which is our spare room or more accurately, MY DUMPING GROUND. When mum comes to stay I can generally excavate enough space in the middle for her to stay a week or so, but these kids, they’re going to be here for three months. It needs to be their haven, not a before shot from Hoarders.

The night after we said they could stay I was up at three in the morning worrying about this. I have been trying to organise and declutter in there with mixed success, but now suddenly I need to step it up a notch and not just get rid of the stuff that should go, but find new homes for everything else.  And I don’t HAVE homes for everything else, that’s why it’s in the wardrobe and the dresser holds my craft and stationery stash and Bianca’s too big and out of season clothes and you know? That feels perfectly okay and normal until suddenly we grow two extra people who want to put their own clothes in there…

I am trying to feel energised about this, not stressed. I’ve gone through B’s clothes and my stashes, and though they’re still in the dresser they’re now in a state that I’d be happy putting them in plastic bins in the shed.  Now I’ve got to go through the wardrobe and with a stern eye get rid of stuff we don’t need instead of keeping things just in case. It’s pretty exciting to think I could manage to get rid of that stuff. It could be clear in there! I could let go of all that guff!

Yay, I’ve managed to talk myself into being excited. What a great impetus to get it sorted out! It’s not the project I wanted to be working on, but at least with a deadline I might even get somewhere this time…

(Gonna post this quickly before I go back to thinking oh fuck what have I DONE?)

 

Posted in organisation, real life | Tagged , , | Comments Off

an Easter tip for parents of toddlers

Posted on 31 March, 2013 by Nicky

Here’s something I learned today: you can make your toddler’s chocolate egg hunt last longer by offering to hold their basket and recycling them into different hiding places. Continue until they are exhausted, or learn to count. Hours of enjoyment for all.

(Not that Miss Eagle Eye over here needs any practise; on Good Friday we were at Grandma’s house when Bianca came wandering out of Grandma’s bedroom clutching a chocolate egg. I asked her where she got it, and she said, “It was hiding! In Grandma’s wardrobe, in a box!” If it had been locked in a filing cabinet in a disused lavatory with a sign saying “Beware of the leopard”, she still would have found it.)

Anyway, happy Easter! I hope the bunny brings you many individual, present-at-the-same-time, eggs.

PS. I hit the magic number in the car just as we got home Friday evening. Yay me! Then we got new tyres Saturday morning and the reading was officially recorded with still a day and a half to go. Woohoo!

Posted in real life | Tagged , , | 2 Comments

spinning my wheels

Posted on 28 March, 2013 by Nicky

I have been doing a lot of driving the last ten days. Not to anywhere in particular; our main car is on a lease and we need to do 15,000km a year, which ends on 31st March. Last Monday I realised we had a flat 1,000km to do in 13 days, or about 77 km per day which isn’t SO bad except that on days when I work the car barely does 6km to the station and back. Hence, the driving.

It struck me yesterday lunchtime, as I drove from home to Lilydale to Monbulk to Belgrave to Olinda to back home again (95km) while Bianca napped in the back, that it was fairly ludicrous. Here I was, I hadn’t done enough mileage in my car, I hadn’t NEEDED my car that much, so I was basically driving around in circles  in order to get the numbers up. Oh, for a car treadmill I could have stuck it on and left it for awhile…

“So Nicky,” you might say, “why the HELL are you doing it?” As I said, it’s leased and the tier it’s on requires a minimum mileage of 15,000km a year (does anyone else think it’s weird we still call it mileage when we measure it in kilometres?), or we will get hit with a higher level of fringe benefits tax. It has to do with the cost of the car being proportional to the amount of usage it gets, as maintenance and petrol are factored in, so apparantly if we don’t USE it enough it won’t cost as much to run and we’ll somehow be ahead and the tax office can’t have that now can it?

[I'm often bemused by the posts I read on PF blogs saying Leases Are Bad And You Will Be Ripped Off. We ran the figures before we took the lease and in our situation (low km) and our car (a Volkswagon Passat) and Dave's tax bracket (high) it costs us less. Maybe it's different in the US because they don't do novated leases. In our situation, the lease comes out of Dave's pre-tax salary and covers all running costs for the car. At the end of five years we'll have a residual payment of about $12,000 to make, but the car should still be worth about $20,000 then. Meanwhile, the cash we got from selling our previous car gets to sit in our offset account and be an emergency fund. So it's a good thing for us.]

Where was I? Oh yes, driving the long way home and hand delivering Bianca’s birthday invitations. Last Wednesday I visited my girlfriend in Kinglake (55km each way) and told her about it. She was amazed. “I do twelve hundred kilometres a week!” she said. I was amazed too. First I thought: I can’t imagine driving that much; then: her car is an old clunker, how often does she fill up and how much does it cost? Then of course the last thought, Damn it, next time I’m just lending the car to Krissy and letting her catch it up.

3 days, 220km to go..

Posted in . | 1 Comment

International Women’s Day

Posted on 8 March, 2013 by Nicky

(from Facebook)

I’m embarrassed to admit that I didn’t want to have a daughter. Inasmuch as I wanted to be a parent at all (the jury is still out on that one), I wanted a boy. Partly because early on Dave and I settled on a boy’s name, partly because I wanted to have a little Dave and definitely not a little me. When he talks about his childhood it is happy, whereas I was a weird and lonely little kid with warring parents. It’s irrational, but I wanted to avoid that. Also on the avoidance list were fairies and pink and Shirley Temple and look at me! Look at me! I’m a princess! Listen buddy, I’m the princess round here, got it? And later on, with the teenage years. We’d lived on the border of Essex, I’d watched the local highschool girls, I’d seen the skimpy clothes and the manipulative ways, and I had no respect for them.

Look, I said it was irrational. Bear with me, I get better.

So, I wanted a boy. I even bought a book on choosing the sex of your baby that purported to have an 84% success rate (and blamed the rest on people not following instructions properly) and followed the instructions to the letter. And then I got pregnant, and I was convinced it was a boy (because how could it be otherwise?) and we always spoke and planned for a boy, all the way up to the 20-week scan. The sonographer asked if we wanted to know the sex and I said sure, although obviously it was a foregone conclusion.

And it was a girl.

At the time, all I said was, “okay, so it’s Bianca not Benjamin.” But on the way home I started crying. I sobbed for a full two hours; I felt like I’d let Dave down because he really wanted a boy. (He was shocked I felt like that.) And I cried and cried, until I had to pull myself together to go to the osteopath.

On the way, I started thinking, of all the awesome women I know. My friend with the PhD doing genetic research into diabetes. My awesome osteopath friend who is living her dreams. The one who went back after having her babies to train to become midwife. The creative ones, the activist, the one that’s head of planning at the local council. And I realised I was doing them all a disservice with my thoughts.

And this is what I’m ashamed about. I’m ashamed that I gave in to bad stereotypes when I have so many strong amazing women around me proving they are not true. Hell, even me: I have a degree in physics, I work in IT. I’m non-traditional. My mother brought me up to think I could do anything I wanted; it never occurred to me that I couldn’t be good at maths and science and “boy” stuff like that. (Okay, I was rubbish at woodwork and sheetmetal.) And these days, I work in IT, there are very few women in roles like mine and often I am the only woman in meetings. And it never occurs to me that it’s strange. So what the fuck was I thinking about back then?

So I’m ashamed that I ever thought that way. And I’m sure as hell bringing Bianca up to think she can do anything. And these days I’m glad I have a girl because we get to have the best of both worlds. Pirates and dinosaurs but also mermaids and princesses. And she does look pretty good in pink but prefers purple when she can get it.

The possibilities for her are endless. And that is what we are celebrating today.

(from Facebook)

Posted in real life | Tagged , | Comments Off

working with a one-month lag

Posted on 25 February, 2013 by Nicky

As ever, I started 2013 with plans to be better, in general. And I did okay, I really did, but not amazingly well. Mostly this was because I started a new role at work which ended up taking all of my focus. And I let it, because for the first time in a couple of years I am doing something I really enjoy, and as a result I sort of forgot to make my goals a priority.

Then February rolled around, and I don’t know what happened but suddenly I’m doing better. I’m nicer, I’m concentrating better, I’m making actual progress at work. I don’t want to eat everything in sight. Dave can ask if I want icecream and I can say no. It doesn’t even feel like I’m depriving myself  bymaking the healthy food choice because that doesn’t come into it: I think, “do I want ice cream?” and often the answer is No, I just don’t. Maybe this is what “listening to your body” means.  I’ve never really experienced that.  (This doesn’t mean I never have icecream, I got stressed the other day when the washing machine broke and ate it all. But it’s not my default state. And it definitely doesn’t mean I’m losing weight…sigh.)

Same around the house, little jobs are getting done, things are getting decluttered. Again, I’m not aware of making any effort on it but it is just happening. I’m not questioning it and I’m sure as heck not looking up to see how much else needs to be done, I’m just enjoying the ride.

Is this what happens when you’re happy? Is the new job the secret key? Whatever, all this busy is good.

 

 

Posted in home | Tagged , | Comments Off

“This has happened to me.”

Posted on 11 January, 2013 by Nicky

That has to be one of the most comforting phrases you can hear when something bad has happened: “this has happened to me.” It says, you are not alone, this has happened before, and look, I’ve come out the other end of it. And, maybe most importantly, I know what to do.

A horrible thing happened this morning when I was coming out of the station on the way to work. A woman fell – tripped, stumbled, I don’t know – and ended in a sprawl on the pavement. Women around her scrambled to pick up her belongings and put them back in her bag. She got to her hands and knees, curled up, rocking slightly, clutching her mouth. Then she reached out and picked off the pavement a small white thing. She’d lost a front tooth. I didn’t see any blood, but she was all curled up.

We clustered around, comforting her, working out whose dentist was closest because obviously, the tooth needed to go back. Mine was but I’d forgotten my phone so someone else was looking them up on their smartphone. The others were patting her, comforting. She was still on the ground, not moving or saying anything, not able to answer any questions. Maybe she was in shock. I was trying to find the dentist’s number (damn you, D-Spa, put your contact number on the front page!) when a younger girl, maybe thirty if that, said, “I work in this building here. Do you want to take her inside so she’s off the street?”

I said she’d lost a tooth and we were trying to contact a dentist. That’s when the miracle happened. The girl said to the woman, “Oh, this has happened to me. They can fix it. Do you want to come inside with me?” The woman nodded and the girl helped her up and led her into the building to sort everything out.

I’m getting a bit teary thinking about this. That poor woman, what a horrible thing to happen. What a nightmare to lose a tooth. And then, how wonderful that someone was able to come along and, better than the rest of us who were trying to help, say, I’ve been there. I know what to do. You will be okay.

Thank you, everyone who stopped to help this woman. If I faceplanted like that, I’d want people like that around to help me. And thank you, girl with the lovely teeth who worked at the Family Courts, and who stopped to see if  she could help.

An interesting point: everyone who stopped to help was a woman. Is it because we are naturally more empathetic and nurturing, or that a man may have feared looking like a creep if he stopped? I don’t think the answer’s simple, but I fear the latter is a part of it.

Posted in real life | Tagged | 1 Comment

what would Ideal Nicky do?

Posted on 31 December, 2012 by Nicky

The other day I watched a documentary called Kumaré which has been languishing on my TiVo for months. It was really interesting and I highly recommend seeking it out. It’s about a New Jersey-born guy with Indian heritage who began questioning religion and particularly all the “gurus” out there who claim they can show people the way to enlightenment but in reality end up just serving their own interests. He wondered if he could become a guru himself and in doing so prove the point that religion — and faith — was all fake.

So he did. He grew his hair and beard long, adopted his grandmother’s accent and along with a couple of friends moved to Phoenix Arizona where “people would be more open” to his message. Sure enough he soon attracted some followers. What happens next is really interesting, because people found their lives changing.

All along he was saying that he was a fake; that while he could show people what their truth was, he was an illusion and their real guru was inside themselves. His idea was to look inside and find your Ideal Self, who you really wanted to be. And his followers listened to him, and they found their Ideal Selves, and they acted on what they found.

I think the thing Kumaré did was give people the permission to be brave and act on what they want. Everyone has hopes and dreams,  so what stops us acting on them? Why aren’t we all travelling the world and losing weight and changing careers to be a yoga teacher? It’s fear. Fear of failure, fear of success, fear of going against what others expect of them (and having to face the comments.) But Kumaré, he was sitting in front of them saying they had their own truths inside, and he was implicitly giving them permission to do what they wanted. He gave them courage.

Who is the Ideal Me?

Of course, of course, this has resonated with me. I’ve been thinking about it a lot over the past few days, about why we (I) do this to ourselves. The people I admire most are the ones who went against the norm and followed their dreams. So why am I so scared to do the same? And I’m not even talking about big things like giving up my job. What’s the worst thing that’s going to happen? I’ll be happy? I’ll stop thinking what if?

So I wondered, who would Ideal Nicky be? What would she do? In other words, what is it about now that makes me sigh and feel dissatisfied?

Ideal Nicky:

  • goes to bed at a decent hour and gets enough sleep
  • gets up a bit early each morning to do some yoga/stretching and have quiet, thinking time
  • is present in the moment and aware of her own thoughts
  • realises people do want to be her friend
  • leaves the house and meets these people
  • feels comfortable and healthy in her body
  • has energy to jump, run, ride her bike
  • lives in a calm, uncluttered house
  • looks after her own sanity
  • reads a lot
  • writes every day
  • loves to cook
  • easily keeps on top of paperwork and housework
  • feels no need to binge – on food, shopping, or red wine
  • is focused and enjoys her day job
  • avoids feeling resentful or bitchy about missing out due to being a mother and just makes stuff happen for herself
  • smiles

In a nutshell, Ideal Nicky is calm, fit and healthy, and sane. She is organised at home and has lots of time for the creative things she loves. She smiles. She is happy. She sounds pretty good to me.

Have you seen the movie? What did you think? And who is your Ideal You?

Posted in spirit | Tagged , | 2 Comments

merry and bright

Posted on 25 December, 2012 by Nicky

Just taking a break from the festivities to wish everyone who celebrates it a very merry Christmas. I hope Santa is good to you and that you get to spend the day with your loved ones and eating like pythons. I know I have!

Posted in real life | Tagged | 1 Comment

getting a head start on my restart

Posted on 24 December, 2012 by Nicky

I’ve always, always loved new beginnings. New weeks, new months, new years… and how much better when they start on a Saturday! But, new year’s day has always been a bit of a struggle for me. I’ve been up too late, probably had too much wine; hangovers and bacon sarnies are not exactly the best state of mind and body for a clean slate. This is why some people say you should start your new year’s resolutions on January 2nd instead. But that’s no good for me. It feels just like any other day. I’m not saying I need to wait 364 days for the next go round, but… it’s just not special enough to count.

I thought of starting everything last Friday. On Thursday I finished work for the year, and next year I’m moving to a new role, so it was a good time to draw a line. Except it didn’t quite work, what with all the late nights and bad food and my use of the don’t break the chain method of alcohol consumption. Yeah, not so good.

What I think will really work is Christmas. It’s  the reason for all the craziness in December, then you get a day or two when your routines are interrupted, you eat too much, and then it’s done and everything goes back to normal. Isn’t that a great time to start afresh? Plus this year we’ll be in Ballarat, returning home on boxing day and I always feel fresh and ready to get to it when I’ve been away. So, it seems perfect.

So the next question is what do I want to have as my restart? What do I want to focus on? I do not want to make the mistake of having 57 different resolutions, one for each thing I’m unhappy with. I’ve thought about a lot from 57 different angles and the overarching theme is pare down. Get rid of clutter, whether it be in my house (stuff!), my days, my body or my mind. For most of this year I’ve felt like I’m enveloped in confusion. I need to regain clarity and focus, and I can’t do that with all this mess around me, inside and out.

What about you? Do you look forward to the new year as a chance to make resolutions, or is it just another turn of the calendar? How do you do with them? And what are you hoping to achieve in 2013?

Posted in mind | Tagged , | 2 Comments

darkest

Posted on 17 December, 2012 by Nicky

Thick black clouds rolled in Saturday morning, bringing with them the threat of thunderstorms, so it was already setting out to be a dark day. Then I read some comments in Facebook which caused me to turn on the news, and the day got blacker still.

There are no words.

“It’s different when you’re a parent,” people used to tell me in what came across in a fucking patronising manner, and I’d think, Really? Had you no capacity for empathy before you reproduced? “No really,” they’d insist, all wide eyed and earnest, “I never believed it myself.”

They were right, it is different, because it’s so much easier to put yourself in that place and play the What If? game when your circumstances are similar.  I sat there looking at a picture of a mother clutching her child in the aftermath as in the next room Bianca chattered away while she and Dave opened the latest door in the Advent calendar, and I thought what if it had been Bianca’s playschool? And oh, dear god, I forgot how to breathe.

There really are no words, but my heart and my prayers go out to everyone involved, the teachers and the children, the parents counting their blessings and the ones facing the holidays with new raw holes in their hearts where none should ever be.

Posted in real life | Tagged | Comments Off